And I’m not talking about those crazies, you know, the ones that seem to have swept up the world, again, over the last few years; I’m referring to that insanity that’s happily within and handy: the “madness” inside.
I write this and I share it and maybe you’re uncomfortable. I do it because, well, it’s my damn blog, but also I would vouch that by now we have an elegant sufficiency of “top five times Chris Pratt showed us his bum” (or such like) articles. Not that I don’t like “top five” posts and I have little to no opinion on Mr. Pratt’s behind; in fact it (the former, to be clear) gives me an idea for a future entry. But for now, the terminally hilarious misadventures of this clinically depressed oddball continue with this thought:
You have a large energetic shift, the by-product of which for anyone paying attention (which I am told on good authority—Reader’s Digest—is more and more of us) is that old assumptions are no longer relevant, and that what might have been working perfectly well in your life, for your life, may in dramatic fashion turn out no longer to work at all. Depending on your personality you might: i) deal with it without a hitch (lucky you) or ii) collapse like a dying protostar into a black cluster of self-doubt, fear, and loathing.
This is the edge I’ve teetered on for almost this entire year. I have not felt so close to giving up all I care about creatively, professionally, and personally as I have this year. I can honestly say that. And I hope I never come this close again, and moreover I wish I could guarantee it, because it was, it is, awful. You’ve possibly read about the sense of both commitment and joy that I feel towards the mission of creativity and positivity that is BlueDorian. I started it twelve years ago, and it persists, still, at this point mostly self-funded and with a miniscule staff (I could use the word “both” and it would apply), and with very little by way of things like recognition or else validation. But it does persist, holding vigil as it shall, until we have the resources such that by our words and actions we make the stars align to our will. Yes, that BlueDorian. This year, for nearly all of the year, I have wanted to throw everything away, even to have it all physically destroyed, just to make the world make sense again, so great was the distance I needed to reconcile between what was and what is, so much I felt in need of guidance, of the old compass.